I’ve been feeling much better since the beginning of June. I’ve been eating well, gaining weight, functioning as if everything was back to normal. But every two weeks, I’m back in the basement of the hospital hooked up to three bags of chemo sitting in my chair glancing at others around me, most who are my parents’ age or older, praying I could live that long, wondering when this journey will end. I come back home and see pictures hanging on my cork board from when life was “worry-free” and I long for those days, desperately so. There are so many “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”s; regret envelops my mind. I remind myself to focus on the present and do my best fighting and I pray, Please, Lord, give me strength. Fight for me. Most days I distract and suppress my worries and tears. Most days I cling to hope and know the Lord is with me, so I do not worry. But there are those days when desperation surfaces. Hymns and Sunday praise songs unleash the well of tears that’s been gathering in unknown places and they keep falling. They keep falling. Today is one of those days. Fortunately, my mom doesn’t read my blog; if she did, it would crush her heart and I know she will cry. I know she cries. When we first found out about my illness last year, she shared the story in Matthew 15 about the Syrophoenician woman:
21Jesus went away from there, and withdrew into the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22And a Canaanite woman from that region came out and began to cry out, saying, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed.” 23But He did not answer her a word. And His disciples came and implored Him, saying, “Send her away, because she keeps shouting at us.” 24But He answered and said, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25But she came and began to bow down before Him, saying, “Lord, help me!” 26And He answered and said, “It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.” 27But she said, “Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.” 28Then Jesus said to her, “O woman, your faith is great; it shall be done for you as you wish.” And her daughter was healed at once.
That is my mother’s heart, and that is why sometimes we cry…
Lord, help us!