My daughter is turning three in less than a week. I often browse through old photos and albums, and man! I take a lot of photos. About a year ago, my external hard drive went blank and I lost photos from 2004-2015. Eleven years of files vanished. I backed up a small percentage on Flickr and CDs, but Elaine’s first year photos are now scarce. The few recovery centers I called charged anywhere between $500-1000 depending on its complexity. Will the paperback album I made for her first year suffice or do I need the digital files for future purposes (i.e., her high school yearbook and/or wedding photos? haha..)? Am I being overly sentimental about photos? Do I really need thousands of photos from her first year? I don’t think my own baby album has over 50 of my baby-toddler years. Hm. If I never recover them, c’est la vie.
A doctor once told me that though my current health is the way it is, I have a loving family and my religion (I have Christ!), and often times they make all the difference in surviving. There are people in similar or worse situations and some are all alone in their battles. Their chances are dimmer, supposedly. I remind myself daily that I have Christ, I have God Almighty by my side, creator of heaven and earth. What have I to fear.
I let stress affect me to my bones; whenever I’m stressed, I feel my insides churning and I massage my abdomen in fear of the tumors growing. My personality is easy going on the outside and overly anxious on the inside, and that is a sin I battle constantly. Why do I worry and stress so much.
I face occasional negativity from external sources, which have been my recent stress, and I have set my mind in putting them aside. Judgement, scorn, ignorance. Like my daughter often sings, I need to “Let it go~.” I need to get better, I need to conquer this illness, and “Ain’t nobody got time for that [negativity]!” Come what may, I will not let it get to me.
For the past six months or so, I’ve been battling severe coughing and choking episodes, but I feel much better this month. I feel I can finally function normally, for which I am so grateful. When I couldn’t climb stairs due to light headedness or difficulty breathing, when I had to brace myself whenever I drank water or had to eat, I felt miserable and wondered if I would ever get better. Now that my breathing is better and I’m coughing and choking much less, I can only sing praises. I can finally breath and eat most things. Nothing should be taken for granted.
Warm weather is finally here and my daughter observes our blueberry bushes every day to check if there’s any to pick. My mom bought the bushes for me so that I could eat organic blueberries, but my daughter has been eating them all. She takes her little bucket and picks them once or twice a week, gathering less than a handful. She says, “Mmm, delicious!” as she plops them into her mouth. Today I had her cut up ripe bananas to freeze and I fed her a few in the process. Again she said, “Mmm, delicious!” and “Thank you, Mommy.” Though I don’t get to eat the blueberries, my heart is full.