The doctor I saw this past Wednesday was a stand-in for my actual doctor who was on vacation. She was rather intimidating with her reserved expression that looked straight into my conscience. At least it seemed so. One question she kept asking me was if I was really stressed. Work stress? Family stress? Life stress? Isn’t stress normal? But according to her, for younger people to get cancer without genetic or environmental factors usually meant stress or personality (or stress caused by personality). As mentioned on my ‘About’ page, I was really sick in high school; I had cancer when I was 17. Even back then, there was no solid cause to my illness other than, “Did I eat a certain type of fish brought from China?” No. The likely cause was unknown, but even then, I suppose doctors presumed it might have been stress.
So, stress kills. Have I been overly stressed? I can’t say because I associate my stress levels at being moderate. Many others live in much difficult circumstances than me, so how can I compare? I wasn’t living in difficulty at all. I only have one kid, my marriage is fine, my work was a bit stressful, but teachers are always stressed. Maybe it is/was my personality and my “weak” body. Maybe even a little stress wore me out without me knowing.
Nevertheless, here I am battling once more with my life. I am tired. The doctor’s visit was depressing; she seemed like she was saying there was no way out of this. I don’t ask how long I have to live, but there is a certain expression that doctors make that crushes my spirit. I cried later in my chemo chair and I couldn’t control the tears. I cried most of the day to myself. I only admit this because there is a sadness that is overwhelming… which can be another cause for my “stress,” and if stress kills, I need an outlet.
I cling to my only hope that is in Christ. He is my savior. He is my healer. He is my hope.