Last Post

It was the second day of school. I stood waiting outside the school entrance and had my phone camera ready to take a picture of my daughter walking out with her classmates. I surprised her from behind but she didn’t look too happy. We started walking towards the car and I asked her how her day went. That’s when she stopped and I bent down to look at her face which was half-covered by her mask. Her forehead was dirty and it looked as though she had a black eye. “What happened?!” I blurted out in shock. Her eyes turned watery as she held her tears back and she told me she got hit by a ball and fell. She showed me her scraped knee and elbows and she was trying hard not to cry in front of all the kids around us. My mind whirled with the worst case scenarios: Did someone deliberately throw a ball at her? Did someone bully her?! I was about to march into the office to demand why I wasn’t notified and to find out who threw the ball at my child. Before Mommy’s wrath was about to unleash, she told me she fell in the playground while running around during lunch recess. I inquired further and found out she ran through the basketball court while some kids were playing ball. Oh dear, Elaine. I checked her eyes to see if she really had a black eye, but it was just dirt. She must have wiped her eyes with her dirtied hands while crying in the nurse’s office. My heart tore to pieces imagining what happened and to see her in such pain and sadness. I had been praying every day for her protection and that she wouldn’t get hurt in any way.

Later that evening when I was browsing through my phone, I found this picture as the last photo I had taken. I must have taken a photo instead of shutting my phone off. It was the exact moment when my daughter told me she fell and I held out my arm to see her face. The photo captured her pain and my heartbroken state. Is this what it feels like, Lord? As our Father, to see us so hurt and broken?

I was once again reminded that He is in control and that though sometimes things happen that seem contrary to our prayers, He is our loving Father. He is not laughing at our pain; He is not waiting for us to break. In a broken world where we run around oblivious to our surroundings and His purposes, His arms are outstretched before us. As stated in John 10:11, Jesus is the good shepherd: “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

Surely he has borne our griefs
    and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
    smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;

upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
    we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

(Isaiah 53: 4-6)

Dear friends, family, and readers, this is my last post.

Thank you for reading along these past years. Thank you for reading my little stories and being a part of my life. Know that a load of my burdens have been lifted along my cancer journey because of your thoughts and prayers. My journey isn’t over and much like everyone else, I do not know how long I have left in this life, but I will continue to press on, marching forward to what lies ahead. We each have our own battles, and though I do not know your story, I pray His love and light may illuminate your path.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

With love,

Jeanee

God’s Grace

One of my favorite activities is filling in my agenda/calendar. One year, I was really into bullet journals and customized each month with a theme and drew out my monthly and weekly calendars, adding illustrations, using washi-tape, creating different kinds of lists, experimenting with calligraphy and different letterforms, etc. I had so much time (haha), and it was so much fun! But 2020 happened and the rest of the world and I suddenly had absolutely no plans. What an eventful year, though! Now it’s already the middle of 2021 and the world is slowly coming back to normal; which means, I’m back at it with the planning. No longer bullet-journaling, but planning nonetheless. I started planning last August, hoping this pandemic would end this spring/summer, and thankfully my early planning allowed me to find great prices for travel. As soon as my daughter finished her school year, literally on the last day of school, we flew to Hawaii and dove into our vacation. From there it has been like driving from zero to 60 mph in 2 seconds. Now that the initial acceleration is over, our summer is on cruise control and we are enjoying our leisurely time at home.

Sometimes in conversation, my family and I discuss our future plans, but under my nods and okays, in my mind, my planning has always been limited to one year. Even within a year, I keep in mind that God is in control and He controls each day. With so many distressing (local and national) news this past year (and every day!), I say a little prayer each time we step outside. Forget cancer; there are so many other life-threatening things happening everywhere. My husband tells me to stop reading the news/headlines, and I have been trying. Because of cancer though, I have the privilege of waking each morning knowing that each day is a gift. And it’s been a 5+ year gift so far. Thank you, Lord.

5 years. 60 months. 37.5 years. Thank you, Lord.

My daughter celebrated her 7th birthday a couple days ago. Thank you, Lord. We went to Disneyland (they had been closed for over a year). We were standing in a long line to ride the newly updated Snow White’s Enchanted Wish and I asked my husband to take a photo of me and my daughter while standing in line within the Royal Hall area. He unknowingly captured the moment with a lens flare. Unlike other lens flares, this one appeared as a rainbow arching right above and around us. On a cloudless, hot and sunny day, a rainbow appeared within our photo. I was reminded again of His presence around me. I cannot control my tears when I think about how undeserving I am of His love and mercy. I cannot control my tears when I think about how thankful I am for these past 5 years and every day I wake. Thank you, Lord.


I will extol you, my God and King,
and bless your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.

Psalm 145:1-3 (ESV)

Book Review: Travels with Charley

It’s been a minute, friends! With so much time at home this past year, you’d think I would have read a lot, but the year didn’t allow much time to read. I don’t know what I’ve been doing, really, but I’ve been busy trying to be more present in the moment with everyone in quarantine. Also, I lacked the motivation to read. The only book that has renewed my interest in reading has been the Bible. Recently it’s been the end of the OT and the book of Romans (I’m trying to finish my Bible reading from last year). [I was supposed to read the OT and Psalms/NT simultaneously but it turned out as OT and Psalms for the most part. I’m finishing up the NT and then I’ll be done for another round!] I digress.

Steinbeck. There are travel books, and there are travel books written by Nobel Prize winning authors.

Travels with Charley was a good read. Travels with Charley is America, past and present. Steinbeck’s account of his travels across the country in the early 60s is still very much a reflection of society today. The fact that not much has changed other than its physical appearance is a scary and sobering thought. I learned from his version/vision of America. I caught a glimpse of the country through the lens of an older white, upper-middle class American male. Oftentimes it was funny because he seemed like a cranky old white man doing something he didn’t feel like doing, which was traveling around the country in full circle. Why would he leave the comforts of his home in New York and the embrace of his loving wife for an uncomfortable, long journey around a massive country, by himself, with his dog, in a pick-up truck? He thought it was ridiculous too. But it was going to be his last.

With the knowledge of his deteriorating health and the encouragement from his wife, Steinbeck packed his GMC pickup, specially made with a deluxe cabin, said goodbye to his wife, and hit the road with his faithful “old French gentleman poodle known as Charley.” I specifically say his dog was French because Steinbeck made it a point that his dog was from France. He states, “Actually his name is Charles le Chien. He was born in Bercy on the outskirts of Paris and trained in France, and while he knows a little poodle-English, he responds quickly only to commands in French. Otherwise he has to translate, and that slows him down. He is a very big poodle, of a color called bleu, and he is blue when he is clean.” The dog turns out to be more than just a companion and conversation starter with strangers; he serves the purpose of keeping Steinbeck grounded in each section of the book.

Though Steinbeck is an older-white-upper-middle-class-American-male, his America is not romanticized or idealized. Other than his ability to travel, freely, without being attacked or discriminated against because of his skin color (or gender), his insights and descriptions of the places he visits and the people he meets seem mostly raw and unfiltered. He acknowledges and understands the privilege of his status, and while he also seems to relish in it both socially and economically, he interacts with the poor, the rich, the uneducated, the privileged, and the under- and un-privileged; near the end, he finds himself feeling sick and running away from the clash of realities. He writes, “I had seen so little of the whole. I didn’t see a great deal of World War II…but I saw enough and felt enough to believe war was no stranger. So here–a little episode, a few people, but the breath of fear was everywhere. I wanted to get away–a cowardly attitude, perhaps, but more cowardly to deny… I tossed about until Charley grew angry with me… But Charley doesn’t have our problems. He doesn’t belong to a species clever enough to split the atom but not clever enough to live in peace with itself. He doesn’t even know about race, nor is he concerned with his sisters’ marriage…I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” There’s a section in the book where he tries to generalize the American image, but he soon realizes its paradoxical nature. There was no generalization for people, especially for America. Steinbeck’s intention for the book started off as a way to revisit his past and to prove that no two journeys were alike. Along the way, it seemed he also wanted to find that American identity. He ends the book weary and filled with sorrow, glad to head back home, but he leaves us with the idea that “many a trip continues long after movement in time and space have ceased.” Travels with Charley was only a small part of Steinbeck’s life but his experiences and portrait of America continue through our present.

[photos from goodreads]

Some highlights/quotes:

“I saw in their eyes something I was to see over and over in every part of the nation–a burning desire to go, to move, to get under way, anyplace, away from any Here.”

“I drove as slowly as custom and the impatient law permitted. That’s the only way to see anything.”

“Everyone was protecting me and it was horrible.” … “A sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.”

“In Spanish there is a word for which I can’t find a counterword in English. It is the verb vacilar, a precent participle of vacilando. It does not mean vacillating at all. If one is vacilando, he is going somewhere but doesn’t greatly care whether or not he gets there, although he has direction.”

“It is very strange that when you set a goal for yourself, it is hard not to hold toward it even if it is inconvenient and not even desirable.”

“My voice took on a strident tone of virtuous outrage which automatically arouses suspicion.”

“One goes, not so much to see but to tell afterward.”

“Charley is an elderly gentleman of the French persuasion.”

“I saw only two real-man fights, with bare fists and enthusiastic inaccuracy, and both of those were over women.”

“Sometimes the view of change is distorted by a change in oneself.”

“And there are true secrets in the desert. In the war of sun and dryness against living things, life has its secrets of survival.”

“I remember a man in Salinas who in his middle years traveled to Honolulu and back, and that journey continued for the rest of his life. We could watch him in his rocking chair on his front porch, his eyes squinted, half-closed, endlessly traveling to Honolulu.”

2021

2021 sneaked up on me and I can’t believe 2020 is over. I didn’t set aside any time to think about resolutions and plans for the upcoming year. But then again, if there’s anything 2020 has taught us/me, plans go awry and with the pandemic still causing havoc in our country, there’s not much I can plan to do in the foreseeable future.

So here’s to living life a day at a time, singing His praise as we ride the waves together.

Psalm 96

Sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth.
Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
    proclaim his salvation day after day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
    his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
    he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the nations are idols,
    but the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
    strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, all you families of nations,
    ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
    bring an offering and come into his courts.
Worship the Lord in the splendor of his[a] holiness;
    tremble before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns.”
    The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
    he will judge the peoples with equity.

11 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
    let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
12 Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
    let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.
13 Let all creation rejoice before the Lord, for he comes,
    he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
    and the peoples in his faithfulness.

Jan. 1, 2021

Gift Guide: for the boy (ages 5-7)

I am not a boy expert, so for this post, I asked a friend to suggest some gifts for boys of ages 5-7. Thank you, friend! :) I think it’s interesting how the girl and boy lists are pretty similar. Kids from ages 5-7 seem to enjoy building things, reading books that involve imagination or interesting facts, and they like to engage in cognitive activities/games.

  1. LEGOs. As my friend states, “You can’t ever go wrong with LEGOs.” It’s no surprise because each set is made with such detail and it is satisfying to build as pieces snap into place like a 3D puzzle. And if that’s not satisfying, it’s only because it leaves you hungry to build more. [Star Wars: Anekin’s Jedi Interceptor, Batman: Pursuit of Joker]
  2. Hands-on, sensory/Stem activities. Kids at ages 5-7 are more creative than their younger 3-4 year old selves and can build animals, castles, and entire towns without instructions or guides. They begin to tell stories and use what they build to play with their other toys. It’s fun to watch and listen to what they come up with. *Note: Kinetic sand can get messy very fast. I recommend a large container in which to hold the sand and advise having the child play with it outdoors. [Kinetic sand, Magna-Tiles, brainflakes]
  3. Games. Kids are able to understand rules, follow rules, and play competitively as they learn to strategize and navigate moves. They also learn to lose and not take losses personally–not to make the same mistakes and understand why certain moves are not advantageous. Interactive games are fun and they love it when parents play with them. [Ticket to Ride, Battleship, Spot it!, SushiGo!, Bananagrams]
  4. Bows and arrows. This was a surprise and very original. Don’t worry; these arrows have rubber tips so they will not pierce through people/animals. According to my friend, her boys have been loving the Green Ember books and the latest one was about archery. I think it’s a great gift idea and I’m sure the boys will love it. They can later read other adventure books involving archery, like Robin Hood or The Hobbit, and imagine themselves as characters in the stories. [2-pack handmade bow and arrow set]
  5. Weaving kit. Another surprise! I don’t know why it surprised me to learn that boys could also enjoy crafty activities, when of course! Most kids enjoy making crafts. Funny and true story: My husband said he went through a crocheting phase when he was a kid. Yes, crochet–as in, looping yarn with a small hooked needle to make scarves, doilies, hats, etc. As mentioned in the gift guide for a man, my husband is the most barbaric man I know, and to imagine such a wild child sitting down, crocheting… haha, what! That simply validates how boys, too, can enjoy what would usually be perceived as girly activities. Such crafts promote concentration, patience, and creativity. Why not encourage boys to learn to sit still and concentrate without the use of video games. With the weaving kit, kids can make coasters, dust wipes, quilts, or weave different patterns just for fun. [Ultimate Weaving Looms & Loops]
  6. Chapter books or Illustrated informational texts. As mentioned above, the Green Ember series are a hit with kids this age. I was also recommended this series by another friend and she said the library provides free audiobooks to download (according to the library’s digital lending period). I downloaded the first book onto my phone and my daughter and I listened to it in the car as we travelled. We don’t go out so much, so I haven’t played it for her as regularly, but I also borrowed the book onto my Kindle and have been reading it with her throughout the week. Another recommended author was Julia Rothman. She writes and illustrates informational texts and there is so much to learn for curious minds. [Green Ember series, Last Archer: Green Ember Story, Julia Rothman Collection]

Thank you to my friend who recommended the items. I may have bought my daughter some of these gifts as well. ;)